Rock and Roll Saved My Soul

Source:  https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/mental-health-month/

5-8-20: So like I mentioned last week. The next would be rough for me. It was. I spent a lot of time alone. I watched a lot of supernatural, I colored. That was pretty much it. I just kinda kept to myself. I'm doing better. I get my older kids this weekend and I'm super excited. I haven't seen them in like a month and a half to two months. We have so much stuff to do. We have things to paint and make. My oldest has Legos to put together. I think it will be a good weekend. I know it won't be anything more special even though it's mother's day weekend, but I'm super happy I get some time with all my kids! :D I miss them so much!! Which I think has been part of my problem too. Freaking coronavirus man. It's a huge pain in my ass. Im still off work next week. As far as I know boyfriend goes back so maybe I can stream something. I miss all my twitch streaming friends. They are pretty awesome. I just want some form of normal again in my life. One day ag...

May 1st 2020: This week has been up and down. Has I neared today I feel more into a depression because today marks the anniversary of my dad's death and it sucks. It never gets easier. I'm a mess from the 1st through the 5th because his birthday is the 5th then on the 6th I'm like a different person. So next few days are going to be hard for me. Just got to try to do my best to try and stay busy. Not easy to do when I don't want to do much and stuck in the house. I did get a picture of my oldest daughter today. That was nice. :) Showed her what I have to do when she does come down. Sent her a picture of me and her younger sister and me and her younger brother. Which her grandma is going to print so she can have them on her room. I'm attaching the picture I got of her and a picture a friend put together for me. Miss you Daddy always will. I'll see you hopefully soon my pretty girl.

April 26, 2020: I don't really know how I'm feeling these days. Meh, maybe. I don't know. I feel like I'm not doing much other than existing and even that is hard because right now I don't even want to exist. It's not that I want to be dead, I just don't exactly want to exist right now.  I get up and I go to work and I come home and sleep and do it all over again. Even my days off aren't great. Though they really should be, because I'm writing again and I feel like I'm making great progress with it, but I still feel off. I hope this feeling passes soon.

4-24-20: This week has been stressful but not. I started working on my book again this week. I have got almost two full chapters wrote out. I'll finish chapter 16 tonight and start chapter 17 Sunday night. I been coloring more too, alone and with the kids. I still have days where being stuck in the house really sucks. I had to get out and walk today. My knees were really bugging me for some reason. Not sure why. I got word I go back to work the 3rd of May. We see if that happens or not. They say a lot of things right now and change their minds. I know it will be good for my knee, but at same time still scares me. Just one day at a time I guess.

April 22, 2020: I don't really have much to report this week. It's just the same old things I've been feeling since this all began. Nothing is getting any better. I'm doing the best I can, but that's not really any place good. I'm trying, so I guess that's something. 

4-17-20: This week. Let's see. Overall I guess hasn't been too bad. Couple migraines. Been trying really hard to take my one pill twice a day like she wants. That has not been easy for me. My knee was pretty bad over the last week. Physical therapy was pretty painful. As much as I dislike most of the people I work around I would really love to go back to work. My knee hurts way less when I was work 40 hours a week. Some days my depression is really bad and others it's not bad. I did find out though that Idaho is on lock down til the end of the month. I won't get to see my older kids til at least next month maybe. Just have to see I guess on that. I mean I did see my oldest for about 5 mins cause his dad's girlfriend had come to get her kids in Utah so that was good. Just miss them both a lot. I usually don't mind stay home, but honestly I'm tired of staying home at this point. I'm slowly losing my mind over it. Thank you though to those still worki...

April 12, 2020: Sorry for the lack of an entry last week. Work was hell and I only had one day off, so I just didn't get to much of anything. I'm trying now though.  I'm about the same as before mentally and emotionally. A friend pointed out she's feeling the strain from being an empath and I'd never thought about that. I am an empath, so that might be triggering a lot of stuff for me. But at least I kind of know why I'm feeling the way I am.  In other news, we have to wear masks at work now. Which sucks and is stressful on its own, but I discovered whatever the disposable masks are made from, I'm allergic to it. I got a horrible, itchy rash. My face felt like it was on fire. It was awful. Luckily, a friend got me a few cloth ones. And now Mom is working on making some. Very thankful for the people I have supporting me through these terrible times. 

4-10-20: Mentally I'm not ok. Physically my knee seems to be getting worse. It's getting worse. I think we out of work for all of April. I know I can get money from my boyfriend if I need it, but I'm not sure if unemployment will pay my bills. Which makes me sad because I paid a couple credit cards off with taxes. Weather is getting nicer and I can't take my kids anywhere. I haven't seen my older kids in like almost a month. I'm not able to stream on twitch. Which doesn't help my mental health either. That was a really good thing for me. I'm just slowly falling apart and nothing I can do about it. I'm having a hard time remembering to take some of my meds twice a day. I don't know what to do anymore honestly.

I worked 1 day this week. Which isn't a problem at all. My country finally out a stay at home order into effect just the other day. Which we were doing anyway cause we want to keep our family safe as we can. I already have no idea when I'm seeing my older kids at this point. So that sucks, but I ordered Easter stuff for everyone. $200 bucks later. Ouch. Lol worth it though. I would do anything for my kiddos. They are my world. I saw the Dr about my head again. I just need to get in the habit of taking my one meds twice a day. I'm trying just hard it happens about every other day. Lol my boyfriend mom got tested for coronavirus thankfully that came back yesterday and was negitive. Which was a relief. That was causing me a lot of stress because the kids had spent some time over there from when we went to the store and our anniversary. So I was in full mom freak out mode. Hahaha we shall see what the next week brings me though. Rumor at work is we may be down through...

April 2, 2020: I'm definitely not doing okay. I wish I could cope with everything that's going on, but I don't know how. I saw this wonderful post that I will share with you that explains sort of how I'm feeling, because I don't think I could accurately describe it.  Originally posted by SayWhat Creations For me it feels like that damn hurricane. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. It's become so bad, my stress level that is, that I've developed an eye twitch. Things are getting more and more stressful at work. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be there, but I can't afford to stay home until this is all over either. Just trying to take it one day at a time right now.  I also need some face masks for work that aren't cheap disposable ones, but I can't afford anything. I guess I'll have to wait until I get that money from the government. And make do with the one I have from work. 

3-27-20: This week has been good. I am a little worried, but I'm trying to not stress and just take everything one day at a time. I was off all week due to two people testing positive for the coronavirus at my job so the did a deep clean of the whole place last weekend. I was supposed to work this week. It went from having Sunday off to going back Wednesday to just having all week off. Which was ok my boyfriend is off two weeks because of the all of this. So we got to spend together with kids. I mean we can't go anywhere with kids. However I'll take it. My headaches are still off and on. I'm going to Dr next week for that. My knee is still working on getting better. It hurts less when I work though. Even when I do my stuff im supposed to. Just taking it one day at a time though.

March 23, 2020: These past few days have not been fun. It's always something with me. Friday work had brought in food for everyone. Most of it wasn't anything I could eat because of my intolerance to gluten. That made me sad. But there were boxes of chips. So at least there was something I could eat. Wrong! By Saturday there was still a box with chips in it, so I grabbed a bag for morning break. I ate them, because I assumed all chips were made from potatoes or corn. Boy was I wrong. I didn't realize it until much later when Mom gave me a bag from the box she had bought at Walmart. I looked at the label at that point. And to my horror, they were made with wheat. And I had eaten one of the bigger ones. 260 calories worth, like the bags you get at Subway.  Shortly after that my symptoms started to flair up. It started with the beginnings of a migraine. I knew it was coming and that it wasn't going to be good. By the next morning (Sunday), it was a full blown mig...

3-20-20: So this last week I haven't been depressed, but I have been super stressed. This coronavirus had me way stressed out. My boyfriend is off next week but getting 70% of his wages. I am some how working next week. Which is both good and bad. I'm just not wanting to be around people, but it could still change in next couple days I guess. I'm worried bout my 8 year old getting it. Cause she seems to get sick a lot. So that worries me a lot. They did close all the schools in her State already so hopefully. However, it is spreading fast that I'm worried if they open the school up it won't be good. So yeah I'm just a big ball of a mess at this point with this thing.

3-17-2020: My anxiety has been through the roof these past days, since everything in the world has gone crazy.  I am thankful that I work in healthcare, so my job and source of income will not change, but everything else is so uncertain. I went grocery shopping on Saturday, which filled me with a lot of anxiety because of my food restrictions. What would I do if I couldn't find things that won't make me ill? I was lucky and found everything I needed, at least this time. I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky when I need to buy things again.  I do worry about catching the virus. Of course, for myself, because my health is shit. But also for those around me at work. I work at a nursing home/assisted living facility. I wouldn't want to pass it on to any of them. But not working isn't an option. I have to be there to make sure that everything is clean and disinfected.  Not being able to go out and do things is also taking a toll on my mental health. I don...

March 9, 2020: Things for the most part are pretty good. The anxiety is under control, as long as I'm sleeping enough. Let's face it, I'm never sleeping enough to not be exhausted, but at least it's enough to keep my anxiety in check. But with the fluctuating temperatures as spring approaches is making my pain level rise. The photo at the top is pretty much a lot of the symptoms I deal with on a daily basis. Unfortunately there is no cure for this and even the pain meds that are available, they don't make it go away. I have a T.E.N.S. unit that helps on the really bad days, but you can only use that for an hour a day. It's incredibly frustrating. 

3-7-20: This week has been ok. Work has been stressful. We don't have the people to help on my line or the line that is like mine but builds the right hand air bags. I got to a point of not caring honestly. I am getting some new stuff to upgrade my stream. So that is exciting. :) Just trying to find a good price on a PS4 too. That might have to wait as much as I want to get it now. I just get tired of moving the one from the bedroom back and forth. It's annoying. My depression been good. My headaches are another story. They have got a little better, but I don't know. It's been way bad last few weeks. :( My knee is slowly getting better. Some things still hurt, but over all doing much better.

March 3, 2020:  My sleep has been awful. I wish I knew why. Where I used to be able to fall asleep easily and wake up several times a night has now turned into, not being able to fall asleep and I still wake up a lot when I do sleep. Not even the sleeping pills that I have (and rarely use) help on the really bad nights. I don't want to have to go back to the doctor again, but if this continues I might have to. It is so frustrating. Even nights when I've not slept well and worked all day, when I used to be able to pass out before 9 p.m. it's turned into being up until after midnight. It's been awful.  Everything else is doing pretty good health wise. So that's something! 

2-28-20: This week hasn't been bad for depression. My knee is getting better. Still hurts when I do certain things.so I'm hoping that still gets better. My twitch streaming is going amazing right now. I'm in an awesome FB group to gift random girls and make their days. I feel like I'm on top of the world right now. I'm trying to not think that I know things don't last long but I'm trying to just focus on the present.