The Sounds of Advice #32: Being Assertive, But Not Bitchy

How to be assertive without being a bitch:

Aisling: Be firm but respectful. Don't lose your temper or make any snide remarks no matter how tempting. 

Sandy: Anyone can be confident in themselves. The best way to be assertive is know you are confident, but also show others that they can be the same. That is what will make you not seem like a bitch to others.

Kate: Found this article that I think might be helpful. It gave some great tips! 

1. Start small. You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Paterson suggested trying to be assertive in mildly tense situations, such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your spouse about infidelity issues, he said.

2. Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships.

3. Let go of guilt. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being. “Assertive behavior that involves advocating for oneself in a way that is respectful of others is not wrong — it is healthy self-care,” Marter said.

Sometimes, you might be unwittingly perpetuating your guilty feelings with negative thoughts or worries. “Replace negative thoughts — such as ‘I am a bad person for not loaning my friend money’ — with a positive mantra [such as] ‘I deserve to have financial stability and not put myself in jeopardy,’” she said.

Deep breathing also helps ease your worries and anxiety. “Breathe in what you need — peace, strength, serenity — and breathe out feelings of guilt, anxiety or shame.”

And if you still feel uncomfortable, put yourself in a compassionate parent or best friend’s shoes. “Sometimes it is easier to think about speaking up for somebody else who we love than it is for ourselves,” Marter said.

4. Express your needs and feelings. Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful, Marter said.

Take the example of ordering food at a restaurant, she said. You’d never just order a “sandwich.” Instead you’d request a “tuna on rye with slices of cheddar cheese and tomatoes.” If you’re worried of upsetting someone, use “I” statements, which usually make people less defensive.

According to Marter, instead of saying, “You have no clue what my life is like, and you are a selfish ass,” you might say, “I am exhausted and I need more help with the kids.” What also helps is tempering your anger and speaking from a place of hurt, she said, such as: “I feel so lonely and need you to spend time with me.”

“Focus on the real issue, not the minutiae,” she said. In other words, “are you really mad that the toilet seat was left up or that you were up with the baby five times the night before?” If it’s the baby — and it likely is — be clear and specific: “I am upset that I was up with the baby five times last night and need for you to get up at least twice a night.”

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