Rock and Roll Saved My Soul

April 26, 2020: I don't really know how I'm feeling these days. Meh, maybe. I don't know. I feel like I'm not doing much other than existing and even that is hard because right now I don't even want to exist. It's not that I want to be dead, I just don't exactly want to exist right now.  I get up and I go to work and I come home and sleep and do it all over again. Even my days off aren't great. Though they really should be, because I'm writing again and I feel like I'm making great progress with it, but I still feel off. I hope this feeling passes soon.

April 22, 2020: I don't really have much to report this week. It's just the same old things I've been feeling since this all began. Nothing is getting any better. I'm doing the best I can, but that's not really any place good. I'm trying, so I guess that's something. 

April 12, 2020: Sorry for the lack of an entry last week. Work was hell and I only had one day off, so I just didn't get to much of anything. I'm trying now though.  I'm about the same as before mentally and emotionally. A friend pointed out she's feeling the strain from being an empath and I'd never thought about that. I am an empath, so that might be triggering a lot of stuff for me. But at least I kind of know why I'm feeling the way I am.  In other news, we have to wear masks at work now. Which sucks and is stressful on its own, but I discovered whatever the disposable masks are made from, I'm allergic to it. I got a horrible, itchy rash. My face felt like it was on fire. It was awful. Luckily, a friend got me a few cloth ones. And now Mom is working on making some. Very thankful for the people I have supporting me through these terrible times. 

April 2, 2020: I'm definitely not doing okay. I wish I could cope with everything that's going on, but I don't know how. I saw this wonderful post that I will share with you that explains sort of how I'm feeling, because I don't think I could accurately describe it.  Originally posted by SayWhat Creations For me it feels like that damn hurricane. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. It's become so bad, my stress level that is, that I've developed an eye twitch. Things are getting more and more stressful at work. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be there, but I can't afford to stay home until this is all over either. Just trying to take it one day at a time right now.  I also need some face masks for work that aren't cheap disposable ones, but I can't afford anything. I guess I'll have to wait until I get that money from the government. And make do with the one I have from work. 

For Colon Cancer Month, we are sharing a story that can be found in Invisible, Not Imagined from a colon cancer survivor.  You Don’t Look Sick Anymore By Colleen Robbins My story starts a long time ago, but it is only recently that my illness has become something that I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life. You wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me what I’ve gone through, at least not right now. I was diagnosed with colon cancer in August of 2010 for the first time. This is my third time having it and as of right now, it’s not going away.   This part of my story begins in August of 2016 when I went in for CT scan to check if the cancer had returned—it had, in two of the lymph nodes and a small spot in the lining of my stomach. The spots are VERY small, which is good, but the fact that it was back wasn’t. And the prognosis wasn’t any better. I began chemo again because surgery impossible and because surgery was impossible there was no get...

March 23, 2020: These past few days have not been fun. It's always something with me. Friday work had brought in food for everyone. Most of it wasn't anything I could eat because of my intolerance to gluten. That made me sad. But there were boxes of chips. So at least there was something I could eat. Wrong! By Saturday there was still a box with chips in it, so I grabbed a bag for morning break. I ate them, because I assumed all chips were made from potatoes or corn. Boy was I wrong. I didn't realize it until much later when Mom gave me a bag from the box she had bought at Walmart. I looked at the label at that point. And to my horror, they were made with wheat. And I had eaten one of the bigger ones. 260 calories worth, like the bags you get at Subway.  Shortly after that my symptoms started to flair up. It started with the beginnings of a migraine. I knew it was coming and that it wasn't going to be good. By the next morning (Sunday), it was a full blown mig...

3-17-2020: My anxiety has been through the roof these past days, since everything in the world has gone crazy.  I am thankful that I work in healthcare, so my job and source of income will not change, but everything else is so uncertain. I went grocery shopping on Saturday, which filled me with a lot of anxiety because of my food restrictions. What would I do if I couldn't find things that won't make me ill? I was lucky and found everything I needed, at least this time. I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky when I need to buy things again.  I do worry about catching the virus. Of course, for myself, because my health is shit. But also for those around me at work. I work at a nursing home/assisted living facility. I wouldn't want to pass it on to any of them. But not working isn't an option. I have to be there to make sure that everything is clean and disinfected.  Not being able to go out and do things is also taking a toll on my mental health. I don...

This playlist is a bit different since the anthology isn't music related. But what we've done is put together a list of songs that fit the theme of the anthology. This one the theme is simply kindness. So if you don't see a song, but think it fits the theme, please let us know and we'll add it.  Song For Josh by Frank Turner Get Better by Frank Turner Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran Save Myself by Ed Sheeran In My Blood by Shawn Mendes Fake Happy by Paramore Hard Times by Paramore 26 by Paramore Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne Heavy by Linkin Park  Fix You by Coldplay Human by Christina Perri  Let Your Tears Fall by Kelly Clarkson How to Save a Life by The Fray Demons by Imagine Dragons Breathe Me by Sia Fight Song by Rachel Platten Anxiety by Julia Michaels  Mad Hatter by Melanie Martinez Unwell by Matchbox 20 The Middle by Jimmy Eat World Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine Drown by Bring Me the Horizon Hit ...

March 9, 2020: Things for the most part are pretty good. The anxiety is under control, as long as I'm sleeping enough. Let's face it, I'm never sleeping enough to not be exhausted, but at least it's enough to keep my anxiety in check. But with the fluctuating temperatures as spring approaches is making my pain level rise. The photo at the top is pretty much a lot of the symptoms I deal with on a daily basis. Unfortunately there is no cure for this and even the pain meds that are available, they don't make it go away. I have a T.E.N.S. unit that helps on the really bad days, but you can only use that for an hour a day. It's incredibly frustrating. 

March 3, 2020:  My sleep has been awful. I wish I knew why. Where I used to be able to fall asleep easily and wake up several times a night has now turned into, not being able to fall asleep and I still wake up a lot when I do sleep. Not even the sleeping pills that I have (and rarely use) help on the really bad nights. I don't want to have to go back to the doctor again, but if this continues I might have to. It is so frustrating. Even nights when I've not slept well and worked all day, when I used to be able to pass out before 9 p.m. it's turned into being up until after midnight. It's been awful.  Everything else is doing pretty good health wise. So that's something! 

February 23, 2020: I'm feeling kind of off and I'm not sure why. I don't like this feeling. Like, I don't feel like doing anything at all. I don't even feel like existing right now. I know this will pass, but it's hard when I have so many responsibilities. Even though I didn't want to get out of bed today, I got up and did my workout. Once I'd done that it was a little easier to work on other things. But I still don't want to do them. -sigh- I hope tomorrow is better. 

Oof, it's been a while. Life has been a bit crazy and not in a good way. I ended up getting influenza B. That wasn't fun. So I was out of commission for quite a while. I actually passed out in the bathroom and ended up in the emergency room. That's how I found out I had the flu. I missed a weeks worth of work and even when I went back I still wasn't at 100%. By the time I was, I had a lot of shifts in a row due to someone being on vacation. Then life outside of work got busy. Today is the first day I've been able to sit down and write anything.  One great thing did happen in the midst of me being super ill. I got engaged! I never brag about anything here, so I wanted to at least once. 

January 21, 2020: This photo above is a big mood these days. Well, really my whole life, but still. I wish more people understood this. I do the best I can any given day, but it feels like it's not enough for some people. I know I shouldn't get myself down about it because people don't understand. But when people get mad at you for it, it's hard not to take it to heart. Something happened at work that has brought this to the forefront, but I won't go into details. It's just frustrating as fuck. And hurts. I do my best. I show up every day I work and do the best I can. And that's all I can do. I have to remind myself that. 

January 13, 2020: For the most part things have been pretty good. Aside from last Thursday, that is. I woke up with a migraine. That's the first one I've had since I went gluten free. I have no idea what triggered it. I woke up and had it. But taking my migraine meds helped. There were many days before when I had a migraine, nothing would help. I really wish I knew what that was about, but I'm hoping it was just a one time thing and not a pattern again. So fingers crossed I stay migraine free. 

January 7, 2020: I'm finally not sick anymore. I think I had that virus that was going around. The one with the awful lingering cough. I guess I'm still coughing a bit and have a weird tickle in the back of my throat, but at least I'm better. That wasn't fun, let me tell you.  Now the only thing that's really getting to me is my insomnia. I've been trying to do essential oils in my diffuser at night to help combat it, but with my type of insomnia, I'm not sure it's beneficial, since my issue is staying asleep, not falling asleep. So I'm not certain it's doing anything, other than making my room smell nice.  And I guess the nerve pain is kind of bothersome. The weather has been pretty mild, but now it's going to get colder again. Winter is literally the worst when you have nerve damage.  

December 31, 2019: I'm still sick and it's causing major anxiety. I called in sick this past Friday and I felt so guilty about it. I rarely call in. But I know I needed the rest to feel better. I struggle with that a lot. I have all these things I should be doing or working on, but my body doesn't always let me do them. And then I feel super guilty for not doing them. It's an endless cycle. I know I have to do what my limits allow, but I never feel like I'm doing enough. It's hard to find a balance. One day I'll get there. Or at least learn not to feel so guilty for it.  On the plus side, all that's really left of this cold is a nagging cough and slight headache. So that's progress. Lord knows it's been way too long dealing with this. I'm hoping when I check in again with you all next week I'll be back to 100% myself! 

December 26, 2019: I don't have much to talk about this week. I'm still dealing with this awful cold. Two weeks now. I really feel like I can't catch a damn break. I haven't done much of anything that wasn't completely necessary. It's sucked though, because I haven't been able to rest as much as I need to, but life must go on. If I'm not feeling better by the weekend, I'm definitely going in to see a doctor.  It's been warmer than usual, so that's been good for my nerve pain. Still not eating gluten. It's getting a lot easier to find options. The only hard thing, especially right now during the holidays, is having to say no to all the delicious food at wok. I want to eat it, but I don't want to make myself any sicker than I already am. A lot of people don't know about it. I do feel bad when they offer things, but it's for my own health. So I know I'm doing the right thing. It's still hard though! 

December 16, 2019: And now I have a cold. So that's fun. I'm accomplishing even less than before, but I am trying. But also, a lot of cold pills, cough drops, orange juice, and a cold remedy diffuser running non-stop. I wanted to stay home from work a few days, but that didn't happen. One of the days, someone else had already called in. And the other, I'm the only one there, so there's no one to cover my shift if I don't go in. Kinda sucked, but I made it through. Now I have a few days off to hopefully recuperate.  The cold temperatures are still kicking my ass. I went out on Saturday to do some Christmas stuff. I had on like three layers of clothes to combat the cold and I still had nerve pain from it. I'm officially over winter. Can I hibernate until Spring? Cause I definitely am feeling that right now. 

December 10, 2019: Can I just start by saying I hate winter. I always have, but for someone with nerve damage, it's literally the worst. The cold effects my pain level drastically. And it has been extremely cold. So that's not been fun. And along with the cold, comes snow. If my shoes get wet or damp from the snow, which a lot of the time they do, especially at work, that makes my pain worse. No one likes wet shoes and socks to begin with. Maybe I need to start bringing an extra pair of socks to work? Couldn't hurt I guess.  With the new diet. How long can I call it a new diet?? I'm still not entirely used to being gluten free. There are these pills I can take if I do eat gluten, but they're ridiculously expensive, so I haven't gotten any yet. They would definitely help a lot, because there are just some things you can't work around or find substitutes for. That's frustrating. One day at a time though. I have been making a list of restaurants I...

December 2, 2019: This Thanksgiving was a lot of modifications to our typical Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone was really accommodating though. Grandma made everything differently so I could eat it--the gravy, her fruit salad, and she made me my own pumpkin pie. I had to have my own separate box of stuffing and different dinner rolls. But I still got to enjoy the same meal as always.  Somehow I made it through my four work shifts without my anxiety going crazy. I was exhausted and crabby, but otherwise I survived. It's strange how much has been seemingly resolved by going gluten free. I'm hoping things stay this way, but only time will tell.