Life with Depression #28 - Sandy Ashley


10-11-19

Well, this will be long and rough entry. However, it is the reason I do this every week. Here we go though. Trigger warning as well.

So the weekend was good. I felt decent when I went to work Sunday. I thought I was over the shit that happened at work the week before. However, when I woke up Monday when boyfriend went to work I felt very not myself. I didn't want to do anything. I was crying over nothing. I didn't want to play games. I didn't want to talk to many people. I didn't even want to take care of my 3 and 2 year old. I just felt in a deep dark hole. I knew at this point I needed to call the dr. I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't all dr this day though. I did end up watching some netflix, but that was about all I could muster the energy to do. I did the basic to take care of my kids. I went to work and made it through that some how. Was hoping it would just magically pass even though I knew it wouldn't. I was too far down in this hole to just get back up so fast. Lunch at work was the last thing I ate for a while too.

So Tuesday when I woke up I felt the same if not worse. I wanted to cut cause I know it would feel good. I also didn't really want to be alive. I had to push that aside though because of my kids. I can't leave my kids. I didn't do any of that. The thoughts were there though. Can't deny that. Again., i only did what I had to and watched netflix. Living inside y own head and not wanting to be alive. Feeling I like I didn't belong here. Feeling like a shitty girlfriend and mom. I did get the dr called and set up a dr appointment the next day. That night at work was still really bad. The worst night so far. I was like zoned out. Almost like blacked out. At one point I was at the start of my line and then I was at the end of it and I don't remember the middle of it. Which since I make airbags for cars that to me freaks me out. The parts have to be perfect so that they work. They only have one chance to work. I ended up leaving at 3am because I just couldn't do it.I knew it would result in a write up, but at this point things were bad enough I didn't care. I went right home and went to bed and slept til 1pm. At this point I starting ignoring messages from people as well. I just did the netflix thing until it was time to get ready to go. Went to dr. Got meds for depression. We both agreed FMLA intermittent would be good as well. So, I also got that started this day as well. I am not sure how many days I have or how often right now, but I know she agreed. I took my stuff to get filled and went home. I did finally eat something after not eating for a day and a half. I did feel a little better. I think it was because I was taking care of the problem. Work wasn't to bad that night. I still fully wasn't myself, but i'm working on it.  I did tell my boyfriend that I was sorry that I had been such a bad girlfriend and mom and asked him if he loved me less now. He said he didn't love me any less for any of it. Which was nice to hear. Part way through the night though I started not feeling good. I just finished the shift though and went home and went to bed.

The next day I finally wrote people back and hung out in my friend's birthday twitch stream. I did end up playing a couple rounds of Dead By Daylight with her as well before I had to get ready to leave. I still just was more blah. Most of work last night I didn't feel good at all. I pushed through it all though and made it. Then this morning I had to drive and get my oldest. Slept in my car for a little while I waited though because I was early because I did get off a little early from work too. I'm hoping for a decent weekend, but i'm not sure. This is really going to be a rough road back to being me again. I'll get there though. I do want to leave this song here though because it really has been my backup in a lot of this. Music is usually what I can do to get me past just about anything until this week. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm still here though. I may still be struggling, but i'm alive.



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