Journal Entry #1: The Beginning - Gina Dierolf

Journal Entry #1: The Beginning

By Gina Dierolf

3/14/2019 - For a good chunk of my life I can remember dealing with some type of invisible illness. Considering that I have a couple, Asthma, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Plantar Fasciitis, Allergies, Migraines, Arthritis, and Anxiety. These have impacted my life significantly in ways by inhibiting me from enjoying activities and being able to go through day to day tasks at time. In my opinion the most prevalent invisible illness that I have been handed is anxiety.

According to the American Psychological Association’s website anxiety is defined as “...an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry.” My earliest memory of having symptoms of anxiety was the summer between 6th and 7th grade. During that summer I remember not being able to do much of anything because I would get these crippling stomach pains that would inhibit me from being able to get up or do virtually anything. Then, as time passed the stomach pains disappeared but later I would experience other symptoms that it would take me years to be able to connect with anxiety. I believe I was in 9th grade, it was sometime in high school and I would go to the pediatrician’s office or hospital very often because I always thought something was wrong with me, that I was dying, or there was an unexplained pain that would constantly be there. At one point I went to the hospital because I thought I was having bloody stools, upon getting tests done, it would turn out that it was just because I had eaten red velvet cake and was the food coloring from that cake. Another time, I would go to my pediatrician for bone pain and would be sent to ALL types of specialists, and out of all of the tests that were taken they would come up with no explanations other than Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and Arthritis. After that episode I went years without having a major flare up of my anxiety until recently, I would experience minor anxiety attacks where I would feel trapped in my own head and everything would get cloudy and in order to feel better I would have to go outside and get out, to feel more open.

I would say in about December of last year I had decided to go and seek treatment for my anxiety because I couldn’t handle it anymore, it was becoming overwhelming and constant. I realized that I couldn’t always go to the doctor or hospital when I felt a strange pain and that I couldn’t always walk around and go through my life being convinced that I was dying. I had scheduled an appointment to see a therapist and for the past three months or so we have working on my anxiety and a few other issues. I have also seen a psychiatrist and was originally trying to handle my anxiety without any medicines, but Last month I decided that I would try to go on medications because what I was trying to do on my own just wasn’t working. I had been prescribed Zoloft which is an SSRI used to treat depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorder and a few other things. In the beginning I was skeptical try it thinking, “what if this causes side effects and I don’t know that I can deal with that” or the morbid thoughts of “What if I get a serious side effect and this kills me instead of alleviating my anxiety?”

I have been on Zoloft for about a month and a half now and I have not experienced any major problems with this medication, just some side effects that I would label as weird, like Teeth chattering and an unexplainable urge to constantly need to yawn. These side effects, however, have completely gone away within a month of taking this medicine and now I don’t believe i have any side effects, except extreme dry mouth, although there are a few things that I’m unsure if they are related to Zoloft, such as really soft bowel movements and an increase in acne. I have also been trying to use methods that allow me to be self aware and to calm down, such as Mindfulness journaling, the App Headspace where I do meditations, I have bought a Himalayan salt lamp and even taken a smaller one to work, amongst some other things. We will see where this roller coaster of anxiety leads me to.